one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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