I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
