No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
