Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
