I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
