she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
