Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
