the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
