I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
