I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
