I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
