I love black thongs
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
