I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
