Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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