I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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