i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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