do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
