My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
