The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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