I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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