i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
