I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize