I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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