Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
