you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
