He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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