Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sex in the backyard? Check.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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