just tell him i said nine months
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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