ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
