Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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