Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
