I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
