my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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