Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
