If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
