If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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