I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
