did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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