Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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