It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
