My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
