We won't sleep together?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
