I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It was a blind-side dick pic.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
