Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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