I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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