New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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