Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
