I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
smell my finger.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
