My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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