Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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