Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
