i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
