i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
