Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
