hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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