I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Randomize
