on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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