how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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